Oh good! You made it. That saves me a whole opening-credits voiceover with licensed music I absolutely cannot afford. Come on in—don’t be shy. Yes, this is the secret room. Of course there’s a secret room. It’s called Secret Lair. What did you think was in here, a normal room? I’ve been hanging out back here for a bit. Second visit now, which technically makes this a residency. I’ve survived worse editorial decisions. I’m down to my last emergency chimichanga, still a fan favorite, and I’ve never let bad judgment slow me down.


Anyway… They told me to “sit quietly and don't touch anything,” so naturally I touched everything. Cards. Numbers. Art. The fragile, whisper-thin concept of balance. If a card was almost good, I took that personally. Snip. Scribble. Cross that out. Oh wow, that’s better now. Look at that—instant speed. Shoes? Zero mana cost! I didn’t break anything. I improved it. Aggressively. With confidence. You’re welcome.